First of all, we are all individuals and therefore, submission is something different for each of us - men and women, subs and Doms, young or old, new to the lifestyle or with a fair share of experiences. So I can and will not claim to give the only possible definition or even explanation but I want to sum up some of the basics that are underlying the concept of submission as I experienced it throughout my years in the lifestyle.
Submission is an intense form of a relationship. The submissive part gives up some of her (or his but I’ll stick to the female form here) control to the dominant part. To which extend she gives it up depends on the two involved and is not anybody else’s business. There is no right or wrong in general, just a right or wrong for those who enjoy this exciting journey together - so don’t worry if anyone tells you you were doing it wrong when it feels just right for yourself.
There are however some basics that I consider essential to all D/s relationships. First and foremost, since it is a very intense type of a relationship, it needs a lot of trust. Trust again needs time. So take your time. Take a lot of it. Don’t let anyone rush you into anything. If someone approaches you and you try to get to know him, do so thoroughly before you start playing. If he tries to rush you and doesn’t respect your need to build some trust first, he’s likely to ignore others of your limits as well.
Which leads me to limits. Everybody of us has limits and if someone says they do not have any or even worse, if a dominant part requires the sub to submit without limits, they either do not know what they are talking about or they know it very well and want to take advantage of someone inexperienced. (Yes, I know there are also people willing to submit without limits knowing what it means but to me, that is the far, far dark corner of bdsm and I’m not covering any of this here.)
As a general rule, everything that happens should be based on consensuality - meaning anything either of the two involved is not comfortable with will just not happen. A good, caring Dom takes his time to explore the limits of his sub and will also find out how to push them a bit - gently but he will - since he knows he helps her growing to a better self by doing that. But he will always respect her limits in general and he will not be too demanding since he knows how much she can take and where to stop. An important part here is also aftercare. Especially after pushing her limts but also after every “normal” session, the Dom takes his time to soothe her back down again and to make her feel comfortable.
What is submission not?
Submission does not mean the dominant part is superior to the submissive part. The submissive part chooses freely to give up control to the dominant part because she wants to, because she feels the dominant part will guide her to wonderful places that she could not reach otherwise. Whether or not humiliation is part of what turns the sub on depends on her but it is not done because she was lower in any way, just as part of the dynamics during play time.
Submission also does not mean the sub would give up all her rights. She remains a woman who has her own desires and needs and she will find a way to show them to her Dom without topping from the bottom. She has especially the right to say No at any given time and if her Dom does not respect her No, he is not a true Dom but rather an abusive jerk hiding behind a respected title to pursue his abusive needs. Should that be the case, turn around and run, run fast.
Submission can also not be enforced by the Dom, it can only be gifted freely by the sub. It is a wonderful gift to receive and a caring Dom will always treasure it as such.
As in any other type of relationship, use your common sense. Take your time and listen to your guts. Usually, they tell you pretty well if and how to go on, to get more intense or to take a break or even to end things.
This can be a very rewarding journey when two people meet who have similar ideas and who respect each other. Don’t let it be spoiled by someone taking advantage of your inexperience.
This got a bit lengthy and so I want to conclude with a short definition a former sub of mine created:
"It’s where you make a comittment to someone. He will take care of you and you will give yourself over to him to take care of you."
So take care and have fun!
Any thoughts, comments, notes on this? Let me know!
A gentle Dom
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