A gentle Dom's view

A common misconception is that bdsm is all about sex.

It is not.

It is a special kind of a relationship and like in most other types of relationships, sex is part of it but by far not the whole thing. As for each relationship, you need some kind of base and sex can never be that base, it can only be an add-on once the relationship is founded and trust is established.

So it is not so much about having sexual experience, rather about having some experience with relationships. Why? Because for a novice sub, it can be very hard to get out of an abusive bdsm relationship since she still has no clue of how it all works and if she is even allowed to say no when the Dom requests something that she doesn’t feel comfortable with. (Of course she is and she even needs to say no then.) If she had some experience with relationships before and some “training” in interacting with a partner, it will be easier for her to detect abusive patterns in the first place and then also to react reasonably when she detects them.

I know of several subs who came to bdsm at a very early age and unfortunately, their first “Dom” was not a Dom at all but what I call a wannabedom or simply put a jerk who tried to hide behind a respected title to pursue his abusive needs. Because they were so inexperienced relationshipwise, it took them a  while until they even realized what was happening and by then, they felt already a strong connection to their respective “Dom” which made it all the harder to still get out of it. Some of them would not have managed to get away any more out of their own but needed the help of others to literally pull them out of that situation.

With a true, caring Dom the way I try to portray him here in my blog, bdsm can be a wonderful kind of relationship and the sex in this relationship can be very fulfilling. But unfortunately, there are also jerks and rapists out there and they do not wear a label “jerk” on their forehead. So be careful, get some experience on how a healthy relationship can work first and when you venture into the realms of bdsm, don’t turn off your brain, listen to your guts and when you realize you ended up with a jerk, run - and run fast.

I am aware of the fact that there are also jerks in vanilla relationships but usually, a Dom is regarded as someone superior by novice subs - which he is actually not - and so it can be easier to say no to a vanilla jerk than to a wannabedom.