“Hi, uh yeah. What i was trying to say was girls/ subs get so trapped in their heads and the Dom uses fear and pain to get the sub to do what they want. Even though the sub is screaming on the inside she can’t say no in fear of punishment. The Dom uses hard limits as punishment and tells the sub how worthless she is. Ya know. Please talk about that.”
Thank you for sending me this.
I think it speaks for itself but I still want to add my 2 cents to it.
The type of guy you describe here is NOT a Dom but what I call a wannabedom. Unfortunately, there are many jerks out there who hide behind a respected title to pursue their abusive needs.
When I wrote this, I did not mean to mindfuck anybody in a bad way. What I meant was to entice her mind, her spirit, to capture her interest in a good way. To make her want me, not to make her feel bad or guilty or unworthy in any way and certainly not to make her afraid of me. None of my subs has ever feared me and that gave us the best possible relationships.
When a woman decides to submit to a Dom, she does so out of her own choice and nobody can force her submission upon her. It is the highest gift she can possibly give to anyone since she hands herself over to him to take care of her, not just to use her. It can be wonderful to be used by someone who truly cares for you but if it is just use for the sake of use without any bond behind it, it is abuse and leaves you shallow or worse. This gift of her submission needs to be treasured and she needs to be nurtured since only a happy sub can make a Dom happy unless he’d be sadistic. But I am not a sadist and I have no experience with masochists. Therefore, I will not speak about that corner of the lifestyle.
When you do say “no” or your safeword, he needs to respect that or he is a jerk. It is as simple as that. No matter how well you may think you know him and that he would never do anything to hurt you, you NEED to have safewords in place as I wrote in that musing. Otherwise, you may wake up regretting what you just did or better said let him do to do and wondering how that might have possibly happened.
I’d also suggest to read my musings on punishment. As an addition to the last paragraph: I was messaged by some who told me how much they crave for punishment. Sure, you can disobey because you want a spanking but if you then get a spanking, what kind of punishment is that? A true punishment then would be to just leave you standing there and to go into another room. I guess you would not want that but that would be a true punishment whereas the spanking that you actually would want to get would be more excitement for you than punishment. Should it truly be necessary, the only punishment I would really use would be to walk away for a moment - but usually, a raised eyebrow is enough.
Besides, imposing strict rules is often a sign of a low self-esteem. If a Dom is not confident enough to trust his sub to stay his because he feels insecure himself, he can easily hide that behind rules like “you are not allowed to speak with other Doms”, sometimes even “you are not allowed to even follow other Doms.” This is not a sign of strength but of weakness actually. There is a very fine line between being guarded and being caged.
A sub will almost always develop very strong feelings for her Dom and she will get very attached to him. If there is no affection and care coming back from the Dom, she will feel neglected and later hurt. Especially if he tries to impose double standards since he feels he was superior to her which he is not in any way.
It can be like walking on eggshells since she is unsure of what she can tell him and how to express her own needs without sounding like topping from the bottom. Therefore, a deep trust is necessary since it enables open communication. That will lead to a balanced D/s relationship which both will profit from.
To sum it up: D/s without mutual care for one another will always fail, so be sure whom you want to hand yourself over to before you start the whole thing and might end up miserably. It can be a wonderful journey but you should know what you are doing and also know about your own needs, wants, and especially about your limits and that a possible Dom will definitely respect them. Always and without making you feel bad for it, certainly without suggesting you would be a bad sub since you do not this or that and there are millions of others who would gladly do that for him. Then let him play with them and just walk away for your own good. One of my favorite quotes is “Eat more shit. Billions of flies can’t be wrong.” So don’t let anyone tell you just because many would do something, it would be something good for you. You are the only one who knows what is really good for you and you should respect yourself enough to not do anything that is not good for you. A good indication showing if he is truly serious or just looking for quick fun is to take your time when getting to know him. Taking a lot of it. If he is ok with that, he will probably accept your other limites as well while he is likely to ignore them if he starts pushing you from the beginning.
A final but important note: If you state on your page that you are submissive and some weirdo thinks he needs to message you some crap like “you dirty little slut, submit to me right now!”, just message him back something like “I’ve had my share of wannabedoms already. Try to mature if you still can and maybe message me again in 5 years if you are still interested then.” before blocking him. His first message to you was by far more rude and you should not be afraid of showing that to him. Do NOT start to discuss things with a jerk like that, you can only lose in the long run and it would simply be a waste of your precious time. But if you just copy that message and use it any time you get such a weird message, it may show them that what they do is simply wrong and maybe they will get frustrated enough if they get such an answer often enough so that they will stop making novice subs feel awkward. The sub did nothing wrong at all, she just stated that she is a sub and that certainly does not mean she was everybody’s sub. When you sent the answer, forget about the incident and just think
“Why should an oak tree worry when a wild hog scratches at its bark?”
YOU are that oak tree and the jerk is the wild hog, it is not the other way round!
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