A man who used to be my Master attacked and beat me last night, after I left him. There were many reasons for my decision to end the relationship, but they are not important for what I would like to say here.
I used to wear his scars on my skin with love and pride, devotion and great pleasure, just as I wore the collar he gave me. They were signs of our connection, my belonging to him, and complete trust with which I gave him my body and my soul. But before he could have my everything, he had to earn and receive the most important gift of all: MY CONSENT. That is something he did not have last night, the small detail he chose to forget.
After I broke up with him, I told him very clearly that I did not want to see him again, and that I did not want him to ever touch me or contact me in any way.
Last night he texted me an order to meet him outside to be punished. I refused and told him once again that we were over and that I did not want to see him. He found me when I was walking my dog. I was in a park, sitting on a stone wall, and was feeling really bad because of everything that happened. I felt scared, alone, and also quite week because I hadn’t eaten last days because of the stress of the brake up.
He drove fiercely with his car, rushed to me, grabbed me by my throat and started choking me while leaning his face close into mine and saying: “Why are you doing this to us?!” He did choke me before, but it was from a calm and loving place when we were together, and never this hard and aggressive. I got really scared, because I couldn’t breathe, or even say anything. I felt how fragile the bones in my neck were under his fingers, I could feel him pushing on them. For a moment I thought that he would kill me by accident, and I thought of the people I love.
He stopped when a women with her dogs passed by. Then he grabbed me by the face, squeezing my mouth and lips hard, and twisting my head. He hit me on my thigh with his fist several times, then ordered me not to move, as he run to his car to get the rod, and a rose branch to hit me.
The thing is, something happened to me. I could not move. I could not speak. I lost myself completely, but not in a good way. He was my Master for a long time, he knew me more deeply than anybody in my whole life. He led me, healed me, hurt me, took care of me. He also loved me, and I loved him. When he ordered something I would obey. He took me to places from which I would not find my way out by myself. He was my love, my lover, my teacher, my master, my everything. I would write this in capital letters before, but now I can’t anymore. So I did not know how to make him stop, or how to behave to make it stop.
In the days before this attack, he used against me every single secret, fear, uncertainty, shame that I opened for him, to hurt me, and he succeeded completely. I felt very broken by what he did, although the strong and brave part of me knew that it was wrong and that his words had no power in damaging me inside. Only hurting deeply. And I was determined to get over it, and start loving and respecting myself again. That was also the reason why I was in such a strange place when it all happened last night.
When he came back form his car, he asked me to open the palms of my hands. The entire time this was happening, I could not look at him. I was completely frozen. I don’t think I even knew where my hands were in that moment. So he took my hands and opened them on my lap and started to hit me. I felt no pain. I just felt my tears running down my face and to my palms. I think it angered him that I did not scream, or fight, or flinch. He was saying, “Open them” Open them!”, and because I couldn’t, he hit me also on the bones of my thumbs, and it did hurt immensely, but only later. Now.
When he was done, I stood up, I think I tried to go home. I took one step, then fainted. When I came to, I was in his arms on the ground, and he was crying and calling me. I wrestled out, and pushed him away. In that moment blood come rushing back into me, and I felt more alive, perhaps because I felt such great disgust for what he did to me. I then felt I would throw up, and was heaving, but could not, because my stomach was so empty, then started crying in sobs. My hands were trembling violently from the aftermath of the rod, my throat hurt, and my voice was harsh from the choking. My hair was full of leaves and grass, my pants were torn up, and my leg was bleeding.
I then said that I wanted to go home. I asked him did he plan on beating me more, and he said that he wanted to take me to the emergency room. I said I wanted to go home, and he said that he would take me. I refused, so he said that he will walk behind me, only to make sure I was all right. My dog was so scared. She used to love him, but now she just ran around us lost, like me.
He was going after me, but he kept talking and talking. His words were killing me, and I tried running, tried asking him to stop, but he wouldn’t. Then I was yelling, pleading that he would leave me alone, but he wouldn’t. When he continued, I grabbed the rose branch from him to hit myself with and told him that I preferred that to his words. Then he grabbed me tightly, and I struggled to get out of his arms. He was squeezing me and would not let go no matter what I did. I bit him, and pushed him, and then he hit me in the face, and I went down again. He helped me up, and I run home. I just run and run.
What he did to me last night was abuse and violence. It is important that every Master/Dom, and every slave/sub understand that this what we go into is a relationship based on consent before all else. We belong to you completely, and are Yours to do as You please, but only because we give ourselves to You. You have no power over us other then the one we give to you. That is the beauty of it, and within this lays our safety. We can take it back.
This speaks for itself.
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